The Electronics Universe

>>> Sarkis Khasharian 6/3/2008 11:06 AM >>>
A small zoo in Tenn. obtained a very rare species of gorilla.

Within a few weeks the gorilla, a female, became very difficult to
handle. Upon examination, the veterinarian determined the problem.
The gorilla was in heat. To make matters worse, there was no male
gorilla available.

Thinking about their problem, the zoo keeper thought of Bobby Lee
Walton, a redneck part-time worker responsible for cleaning the
animal cages. Bobby Lee, like most rednecks, had little sense but
possessed ample ability to satisfy a female of any species.

The zoo keeper thought they might have a solution. Bobby Lee was
approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to mate with the
gorilla for $500.00?

Bobby Lee showed some interest, but said he would have to think the
matter over carefully. The following day , he announced that he
would accept their offer, but only under five conditions:

\'First\', Bobby Lee said, \'I ain\'t gonna kiss her on the lips.\'
The keeper quickly agreed to this condition.

\'Second\', he said, \'She must wear a \'Dale Earnhardt Forever\' T - Shirt. The keeper again readily agreed to this condition.

\'Third\', he said, \'you can\'t never tell no one about this.\' The
keeper again readily agreed to this condition.

\'Fourth\', Bobby Lee said, \'I want all the children raised
Southern Baptist.\' Once again it was agreed.

\'And last,\' Bobby Lee said, \'I\'ll need another week to come up
with the $500.00

HANOI (Reuters) - An unidentified flying object exploded in mid-air over a southern Vietnamese island, state media said on Wednesday, a day after Cambodia\'s air force retracted a report of a mysterious plane crash.

The Vietnam News Agency said residents of Phu Quoc island, 10 km (6 miles) off the coast of the Cambodian province of Kampot, found shards of grey metal, including one 1.5 meters (1.5 yards) long.

"The explosion happened at about 8 km (5 miles) above the ground, and perhaps it was a plane, but authorities could not identify whether it was a civil or military aircraft," VNA said in a report headlined "UFO explodes over Phu Quoc Island."

Soldiers were sent out to look for wreckage and survivors, and local authorities contacted airlines in Vietnam, Cambodia and Thailand, but received no reports of missing aircraft, the official state news agency added.

Villagers in Kampot said on Tuesday that they had heard a loud explosion. On Wednesday they told Reuters they had found small chunks of metal near the coastline.

Kung Mony, deputy commander of Cambodia\'s Air Force, said on Tuesday he had been told of a foreign plane crashing in Kampot province, but later backed off his claims of an aircraft accident.

(Writing by Grant McCool and Ed Cropley in Bangkok; Editing by Bill Tarrant)

The doctor said, \'Joe, the good news is, I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration.
You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine, and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.\' Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything left to live for, but he had no choice but to go under the knife.

When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.
He saw a men\'s clothing store and thought, \'That\'s what I need... a new suit.\' He entered the shop and told the salesman, \'I\'d like a new suit.\'
The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, \'Let\'s see. Size 44 long.\' Joe laughed, \'That\'s right, how did you know?\' \'Been in the business 60 years!\'the tailor said.
Joe tried on the suit, it fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, \'How about a new shirt?\' Joe thought for a moment and then said, \'Sure.\' The salesman eyed Joe and said, \'Let\'s see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck.\' Joe was surprised, \'That\'s right, how did you know?\'
\'Been in the business 60 years.\' Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly Joe walked comfortably around the shop, and the salesman asked, \'How about some new underwear?\' Joe thought for a moment and said, \'Sure.\'The salesman said, \'Let\'s see...size 36.\' Joe laughed, \'Ah ha! I got you, I\'ve worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old.\' The salesman shook his head, \'You can\'t
wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine, and give you one hell of a headache.\'
New suit - $400

New shirt - $37

New underwear - $8

Second Opinion - Priceless!

Little Suzy had a box of very small kittens that she was trying to give away, so she had them out on the street corner with a sign \'FREE KITTENS\' next to them.




Suddenly a long line of big black cars came up with a policeman on a motorcycle in front. The cars all stopped and a tall man stepped out from the biggest car. \'Hi, little girl, what do you have there in the box?\' he asked.\'Kittens,\' little Suzy says. \'They\'re so small, their eyes are not even open yet.\'




\'What kind of kittens are they?\' he asked.

\'Democrats\' says little Suzy.




The tall man smiled, returned to his car and they drove away. Sensing a good photo opportunity, Sen. Obama called his campaign manager and told him about the little girl with the kittens. It was planned that they would return the next day, have all the media there and tell everyone about these \'Democrat kittens.\'




The next day, little Suzy is standing out on the corn! er with her box of kittens with the \'FREE KITTENS\' sign, and the big motorcade of black cars pulled up with all the vans and trucks from ABC, NBC, CBS and CNN. Everyone had their cameras ready and then Sen. Obama got out of his limo and walked up to little Suzy: \'Now don\'t be frightened,\' he said, I just want you to tell all these nice news people just what kind of kittens you\'re giving away today.\'




\'Yes sir,\' Suzy said. \'They are all REPUBLICAN kittens.\'

Taken by surprise, Sen. Obama said, \'But yesterday you told me they were \'DEMOCRATS.\'

Little Suzy says, \'Yes, I know. But today, they have their eyes open.\'

The Americans and Russians at the height of the arms race realized that if they continued in the usual manner they were going to blow up the whole world.

One day they sat down and decided to settle the whole dispute with one dog fight. They\'d have five years to breed the best fighting dog in the world. The losing side would have to lay down its arms. The Russians found the biggest meanest Doberman and Rottweiler females in the world and bred them with the biggest meanest Siberian wolves. They selected only the biggest and strongest puppy from each litter, killed his siblings, and gave him all the milk. They used steroids and trainers and after five years came up with the meanest dog the world had ever seen. Its cage needed steel bars that were five inches thick and nobody could get near it.
When the day came for the dog fight, the Americans showed up with a strange animal. It was a nine foot long Dachshund. Everyone felt sorry for the Americans because they knew there was no way that this dog could possibly last ten seconds with the Russian dog.

When the cages were opened up, the Dachshund came out of its cage and slowly waddled over towards the Russian dog. The Russian dog snarled and got close enough to bite the Dachshund\'s neck. The Dachshund opened its mouth and consumed the Russian dog in one bite. There was nothing left at all of the Russian dog.
The Russians came up to the Americans shaking their heads in disbelief. "We don\'t understand how this could have happened. We had our best people working for five years with the meanest Doberman and Rottweiler females in the world and the biggest meanest Siberian Wolves." "That\'s nothing," an American replied. "We had our best plastic surgeons working for five years to make an alligator look like a Dachshund."

I found this today while arrowhead hunting.  Seems to be in good shape, to be out in the dirt and weather.  Anyone know what it MIGHT be worth?  Thanks guys.  I don\'t want to sell it, I am just curious.

C ya, crazy

BEER CONTAINS FEMALE HORMONES STUDY!!!

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Subject: Fw: This is worrying !








Beer contains female hormones





Last month, National University of Lesotho scientists released the results
of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in
beer.



Men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption.



The theory is that beer contains female hormones (hops contain
phytoestrogens) and that by drinking enough beer, men turn into women.



To test the theory, 100 men drank 8 pints of beer each within a 1 hour
period.









It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects::



1) Argued over nothing.

2) Refused to apologize when obviously wrong.?  

3) Gained weight.

4) Talked excessively without making sense.



5) Became overly emotional.

6) Couldn\'t drive.

7) Failed to think rationally.

Had to sit down while urinating.  



No further testing was considered necessary.

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C/P


I am over 60 and the Armed Forces thinks I\'m too old to track down terrorists. (You can\'t be older than 42 to join the military.)
They\'ve got the whole thing backwards. Instead of sending 18-year-olds off to fight, they ought to take us old guys. You shouldn\'t be able to join a military unit until you\'re at least 35.
For starters:
Researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10 seconds. Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a day, leaving us more than 28,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy.
Young guys haven\'t lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier. "My back hurts! I can\'t sleep, I\'m tired and hungry!" We are impatient and maybe letting us kill some $#@hole that desperately deserves it will make us feel better and shut us up for a while.
An 18-year-old doesn\'t even like to get up before 10 a.m...


Old guys always get up early to pee so what the hell. Besides, like I said, "I\'m tired and can\'t sleep and since I\'m already up, I may as well be up killing some fanatical son-of-a-b$#@*.
If captured we couldn\'t spill the beans because we\'d forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real brainteaser.
Boot camp would be easier for old guys. We\'re used to getting screamed and yelled at and we like soft food. We\'ve also developed an appreciation for guns. We\'ve been using them for years as an excuse to get out of the house, away from the screaming and yelling.
They could lighten up on the obstacle course however. I\'ve been in combat and didn\'t see a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor did I ever do any pushups after completing basic training. I can hear the Drill Sgt. now, "Get down and give me ... er ... one."
Actually, the running part is kind of a waste of energy, too. I\'ve never seen anyone outrun a bullet.

An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He\'s still learning to shave, to start up a conversation with a pretty girl. He still hasn\'t figured out that a baseball cap has a brim to shade his eyes, not the back of his head. These are all great reasons to keep our kids at home to learn a little more about life before sending them off into harm\'s way.
Let us old guys track down those dirty rotten cowards who attacked us on September 11. The last thing an enemy would want to see right now is a couple of million pissed off old farts with attitudes and automatic weapons who know that their best years are already behind them.
If nothing else, put us on the border and we will have it secured the first night.