These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts and are things people actually said in court. Taken down by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place.
__________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lay there.
__________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
_________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: In what way does it affect your
memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
__________________________
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband s aid to you that morning?
WITNESS: "Cathy, where am I?"
ATTORNEY: Why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan.
__________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
__________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, isn\'t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn\'t know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
__________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty year old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He\'s twenty
one.
__________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you serious, or messin with me?
_________________________
ATTORNEY: The date of the conception ( of the baby ) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: What were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh....I was gettin\' laid.....
__________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS : Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Are you serious? Your Honor, I need a different attorney...Can I get a new attorney?
__________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: By whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated
it?
__________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or female?
WITNESS: Guess......
__________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here today pursuant to a deposition notice I sent to you attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
__________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to rephrase that?
_________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL of your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
__________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started about 8:00 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Smith
was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him.....
__________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Uh, are you qualified to ask that question?
__________________________
AND LAST
__________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Then, could it be possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be sure?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive anyway?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible he could have been
alive and practicing law.......
